this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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