Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
