No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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