I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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