maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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