I think I died a long time ago.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
