So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
