I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
