this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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