we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I didn't notice because vodka
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
