I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
