im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
