We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
It's never too late to be topless.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
