I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
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I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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