I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
