im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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