i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
