i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
