So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
