Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
