just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
