I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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