I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
