Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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