there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
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