dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
