mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
