dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
