we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My feet surprised me
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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