I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I smell stomach acid.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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