my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
