what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
