Someone shit on the floor
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
