I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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