God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
