Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
