What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
