I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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