so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
