There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
