im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Randomize
