i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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