Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
