i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
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