so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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