the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
