i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My feet surprised me
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