If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
