A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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