How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He went soft
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
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I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
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I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess