If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
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Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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