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• (281): View more from Texas

  How do you jack off and text at the same time?

  (1-281): View more from Texas

  On my iPhone they have an app for that

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• (405): View more from Oklahoma

  You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.

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• (260): View more from Indiana

  He went soft

  (631): View more from New York

  Wait. During?

  (260): View more from Indiana

  Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.

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• (512): View more from Texas

  Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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  23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”

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• (207): View more from Maine

  I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.

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• (785): View more from Kansas

  Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.

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• (706): View more from Georgia

  Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.

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• (360): View more from Washington

  Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis

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• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.

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  These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious

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• (360): View more from Washington

  I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?

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• (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left

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• (519): View more from Ontario

  Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!

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• (251): View more from Alabama

  Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.

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• (779): View more from Illinois

  I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day

  (779): View more from Illinois

  Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?

  (815): View more from Illinois

  Yes.

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• (828): View more from North Carolina

  As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess

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