if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
