we're chasing vodka with high fives
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
