she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
