im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
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We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
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this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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