Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
