I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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