yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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