I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
