the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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