I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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