That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
